ARTICLES

BE YOURSELF – WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

So often when asking advice on how to make it through a difficult situation, we are told “Just be yourself.” Well, if you’re heading to a job interview or going on a first date, that advice might not be much help. And it’s even worse when you’re young because your self is still developing! We can agree that who we are is made up of our feelings, preferences, beliefs, how we think, and what we like to do, among other things. Since I, myself, have given this advice many times to young, impressionable truth-seekers, I thought it was important to figure out how exactly someone can do this. Here are some questions that I believe can help to uncover a person’s true essence.

What are your beliefs, morals, values? How do you view politics, the economy? Are you religious, spiritual, or do you believe that this is all there is?

Are you concerned about the environment? Do you love nature and animals? Are you concerned about global warming, poverty, and war?

Are you outwardly affectionate toward those you love? Are you involved in the lives of your family and friends? Or are you shy, somewhat of a loner?

What are your favorite foods? Are you health-conscious? How do you feel about chocolate? Are you a sweet or salty person?

Are you eager to try new things? A real party animal? Are you more comfortable people-watching from the sidelines? Or a homebody?

What kind of clothes do you prefer? A t-shirt and Levis? Are you always dressed to the nines, or somewhere in the middle?

Do you find it easy to join a conversation? Do you feel strongly about certain issues and simply have to tell people how you feel? Or do you keep your thoughts and ideas to yourself?

Do you cry at sad movies? Do you love to be scared? Do you hate violent or sexually explicit movies?

Do you enjoy television? Watch the soaps or Lifetime movies? Do you like reality TV or take advice from Dr. Phil?

What kind of music do you like? Do you enjoy easy listening, country boot-tapping, or rocking out?

Are you thirsty for knowledge? Like to read and write? Are you inquisitive? Suspicious?

What are your passions? How do you like to spend your spare time? Do you like sports? The Yankees?!

What makes you get up in the morning? What inspires you? What brings you joy?

What makes you happy and laugh out loud – for that matter, how do you laugh? Do you giggle quietly or really laugh from your belly? In order to tell if you are taking life too seriously, look in the mirror and check the following:

Is your reflection smiling back at you?
Do you see a crazy hairdo and runny makeup?
Is there any type of food on your clothes?

If you answered “no” to these questions, then you gotta loosen up! Now we’ll examine your experiences.

Does aggravating the kids entertain you?
When somebody trips or falls in front of you, do you laugh?
Do you derive pleasure out of playing tricks on people (scaring them, hiding their keys, giving them shocks from the static electricity in the carpet)?

If not, then you’re missing out on all the fun!

All of these things (and more) make up who you are. When choosing friends or a mate, it’s easy to put yourself and your needs aside to show others that you care. And when considering a direction in life, it may be difficult to maintain your individuality. But never give up what makes you YOU to try to please someone else or live up to another person’s expectations. I think since the world gives so much credence to the rich and beautiful celebrities, it almost becomes normal to want to emulate those in the spotlight and follow the so-called pop culture icons. But think about this. What if

Isadora Duncan stopped dancing?
Rosa Parks moved to the back of the bus?
Jonas Salk gave up researching?
Lucille Ball suppressed her zany sense of humor?
Oprah ignored her dream of broadcasting?
Elvis stopped gyrating?!

The world would have lost out on greatness! These people were all true to themselves and, as a result, touched the lives of millions of people and many generations. So nurture your talents and embrace who you are! Who knows where your passion and imagination might lead?

The Times of Our Lives

I recently returned from my ninth week-long trip to Aruba with my fiancé. We spent our time relaxing under a tree and swimming at the beach during the day and then sharing exquisite dinners and romantic walks in the evenings. We had a lot of fun but didn’t take any photos because since we had visited the island many times before we already have plenty of pictures of both of us posed in front of every restaurant and divi tree on the island. On our way to the airport we joked that, other than our tanned skin, we would not be able to prove that we traveled here!

As we stood in line at check-in, we noticed also waiting in line was a family who had been on our chartered plane ride down the week before. This day, however, they all had swollen eyes and seemed upset, some of them wiping away tears and sniffling, and sharing only an occasional whispered comment. As it turned out, on the plane we were seated directly in back of them: a mother and her four children who ranged in age from 16 to 8, but no dad was in attendance. We found out that while vacationing with his family that week, he had been killed in a jet skiing accident. This day, his wife and children had to bravely make their way home without him.

We watched the moods of the children go from seemingly careless while playing cards to quiet sobbing when idle, but the mother’s face was another story. In between hopping seats in an effort to attend to each of her devastated children, she would sit and stare down at her lap, unable to comprehend what lay ahead for her and her family. We could almost feel her shock and pain as we realized that this is something that could have happened to any one of us that week. While we were laughing and playing in the water and eating chocolate desserts to our heart’s content, this poor family was experiencing the tragedy of their lives. The vacation they dreamed about and looked forward to turned out to be a nightmare and something none of them would ever forget – their photographs were these indelible moments that would haunt them forever.

As I turned my gaze away from that lost family and toward my fiancé, I could feel how precious time had suddenly become, and I whispered “thank you” to God for giving me some more of it with him. For a moment I found myself regretting that we had no pictures from this vacation together, but then realized that whether or not we actually capture our experiences on film, our minds are busy recording images of certain moments throughout our lives – moments that somehow jolt our emotions, have an impact on us, and change our perception and direction. I wondered if that kind of memorialization was only triggered during traumatic events. What about the good times? I closed my eyes and scanned my memory hoping that my mind had taken enough time to properly register all the tender, wonderful moments I shared with my fiancé this past week.

Throughout our lives as our hearts begin to show wear and tear from the inevitable mishaps and misfortunes that will befall us, we must remember to offset that anguish and erosion by making it also swell with love and gratitude as we encounter the happy times that bless us. We must consciously stop time and record with our minds so we can remember and cherish for years to come the intimate moments, the surprises, the hours spent with loved ones and friends… all the times of our lives.

Are Our Young Women in Trouble?

My generation grew up watching Mary Tyler Moore proudly hold her own in the boorish business world, Edith innocently defies Archie’s intolerance, and Maude argue for social reform. We read about the “women’s movement” in Cosmopolitan magazine, while Cher broke new ground with her unabashed sexuality. Over the years, the struggles of our older sisters made it possible for us to open doors, to attain more than they had, to soar. As we grew up, we dreamed of meeting our Prince Charming, but we also envisioned working in the city or becoming a doctor or a lawyer. Indeed, over the years we made important strides in our quest for equality with men in business and in society, but what about in relationships?

Science tells us that women’s domesticity and nurturing qualities are instinctive, however, we also learned ways of thinking and interacting with others from our mothers, who had, of course, learned from their mothers. But what had we learned? Thirty years ago, most of us saw our mothers cater to our fathers, while dismissing their own ideas, and neglecting themselves. They did what was expected of them, but were they happy? As one woman said, “I’ll never forget that look on my mother’s face… she couldn’t have been happy.” We told ourselves that things would be different in our relationships, and they are, to some extent. But had the freedom and independence that had finally bubbled to the surface made us wiser and more connected to our inner selves, or did it just give us more outside choices? Had those achievements influenced our roles as loving and lovable companions?

In discussing this subject with women as young as thirteen and as old as never mind, I could see that the older women who had been influenced by our pioneer sisters, knew how important individuality and respect were to women. The younger ones, however, seemed to demonstrate the same self-effacing behavior as in years past, putting the needs and desires of men ahead of their own. This new breed of female seemed unprepared, naïve, and oblivious to what women before us had accomplished. Accordingly, if how we think and behave is a result of what we were taught and exposed to as children, what does that tell us about girls growing up today?

Have you noticed how obsessed most young women appear to be with having the best body, face, and hairstyle? Why is physical “perfection” such a priority today? Could it be the dozens of makeover and plastic surgery shows on television or the constant marketing of products consuming the airwaves and billboards, luring our young women with false promises of happiness and everlasting love, and almost hypnotizing them into buying their magical potions and gadgets — look like your favorite movie star, and have a wonderful life! Those kinds of deceitful messages are shameful and potentially harmful to women who try futilely to reach the media’s ideal archetype. Our young women need to believe that they don’t have to look, think, or behave like the rich and famous, or do what the so-called “trendsetters” dictate just so advertisers and retailers can make a buck.

I am also concerned that a lot of girls feel they need to have a man (actually, a boy) in their lives in order to feel complete. Part of the reason is age — the dawn of hormones — but could it also be a result of reality shows where a dozen women compete for one man by using any means necessary? These shows have turned meeting and winning the heart of a man (a/k/a “falling in love”) into a spectator-driven, cut-throat event featuring ruthless women who act as if men were almost extinct!

Now, I admit that as young girls we wanted to have boyfriends and we wore makeup (remember that black eyeliner and blue eye shadow?), but I also remember that all of that was just a part of our lives as budding young women. We were also curious about the world, about finding out who we were, and what we would become. One reason for the somewhat distorted thinking of young women today could be that the world around them is not teaching them about integrity, confidence, or self-esteem. Parents today work really hard and can only hope that their children will listen to their words of wisdom and experience. It’s a losing battle when young women are then bombarded by self-serving, deceptive messages emanating from the media around them.

Please know that when I state my case I am not advocating censorship here. Nor am I in favor of producing a class of male-hating women — far from it. I am talking about taking responsibility for teaching our young people the difference between what is true and appropriate for them in real life, and what is put out there for “shock value” and entertainment purposes. We need to spread the word to our young women that they have a choice not to be that woman in the video dancing half naked and that they will still get a boyfriend (and one of better quality). We have to tell them that it’s okay to refrain from using (and listening to) offensive and disgusting language, and that Britney and Christina are dressed like that because they are on stage (not in a classroom), and that yes, blow jobs are sex!

We have to teach our little sisters how to be comfortable in their own skin by shouting Be kind to yourself! Don’t obsess about your looks or berate yourself because you’re not model thin. As women, we are our harshest critics and hold ourselves to ridiculous standards. Be independent! Don’t just say, “Wouldn’t it be nice to…” Do it! Set limits! Don’t let anyone mistreat you — stand up for yourself and keep your word. Express your appreciation! When we embrace gratitude and humility, even more goodness and love comes to us. Listen to your inner voice! Don’t be someone who jumps to conclusions, but if you have that “feeling” deep down, don’t ignore it — trust your instincts. Believe in yourself! Decide what you want, go after it whole-heartedly, and stay committed. Let ’em see your joy! Joy comes through in our smiles and our eyes, and enables us to attract even more love into our lives. Remember, what you give out, you get back.